Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
