Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
