At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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