This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
