lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
