I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
