Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
