How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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