Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
