I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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