well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
