Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
