Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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