I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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