Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
