Your face is a jimmy john
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
