If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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