how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
