woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
