i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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