So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm getting married
To pizza
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
