I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
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he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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