She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
