I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
