He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
