when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
