I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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