You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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