I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
