i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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