you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am puke
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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