I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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