Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
