when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
