Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
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Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
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Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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