YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
