I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
