take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
