shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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