a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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