I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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