You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
