She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
