the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
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Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
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We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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