So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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