he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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