I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
