i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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