I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
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I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
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Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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