Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
