WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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