i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
