3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
