So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
